Down Nassau Way: A Pyrate Odyssey

youtube.com/watch?v=6-Jl_lcV … Lg&index=3

Down Nassau Way:
A Pyrate Odyssey
by
Kevin L. Corridon

CHARACTERS
BLOODY BILL Pyrate, and Captain of the Black Mariah
MAD OTIS Pyrate, and Quartermaster of said vessel
CHARLES SHYSTER III Solicytor, and junior partner at Shyster and Shyster
BONNIE BONNY Publicyst, and social media wytch from the Shyster Agency
SETTING

The Quarterdeck of the Black Mariah.

TIME

Early in the morning… Eight Bells–ish.

ACT I
Scene 1 Somewhere. Now.
Scene 2 Somewhere else. Now.
ACT [1]
SCENE [1]
(Mad Otis and Bloody Bill start on stage.)
BLOODY BILL
Ah, Mad Otis, me laddie, it won’t be long before Nassau’s on the horizon!
MAD OTIS
Oh, aye, Captain, me and the boyos been smellin’ it since the last dog watch.
BLOODY BILL
(Takes a breath.)
Bet ye can smell the rum already.
MAD OTIS
Oh, aye, been smellin’ all sorts ‘o things.
BLOODY BILL
(Concerned now. He begins to pace a bit.)
What’s on yer mind then? We’ve sailed long enough together that I know you’re always thinkin’ on a plan.
MAD OTIS
(Somewhat reluctant.)
Oh, aye… We’ve been sailin’ on the account for nigh on a score o’ years, and sometimes I just get to wonderin’ if a bit o’ rest might be in order.
BLOODY BILL
(Apalled.)
Are ye thinkin’ of taking the Governor’s pardon, then? I never could o’ thought I’d see the day…
MAD OTIS
(Now getting a bit more cagey, more confident. He preens for a moment.)
It might be time to go into the supply business. I’ve got some experience as Quartermaster, you know.

BLOODY BILL
Oh, aye, ye’ll be marrying your first wench before I’ve finished me first bottle o’ rum.
MAD OTIS
Not that! Well, okay maybe. But I can see some profit from looking like a
(With a wink.)
legitimate businessman.
BLOODY BILL
(Dissapointed)
Still find it all a bit hard to believe, mate.
MAD OTIS
Now not so fast, Captain. I’ve got a business proposition or two for you as well.
BLOODY BILL
(Annoyed.)
I won’t be yer hired scalawag’, if that’s what yer askin’.
MAD OTIS
Cap’n, pyracy must change with the times, or we’re done. Y’see, plunder is no longer where it’s at. The ransom of ships, cargo and captives is the new opportunity for pyrates to profit!
BLOODY BILL
(Nonplussed.)
Ransom? Hostages? Takin’ ships unharmed? Ye call this pyracy?
MAD OTIS
(Confident.)
I call it more gold than we have ever seen.
CHARLES SHYSTER III
(Calls out from offstage left.)
Ahoy! Throw us a line, then!
MAD OTIS
I know some people, that know some people, there in Nassau, and I’m tryin’ 'em on as consultants.
BLOODY BILL
(Arrumphs.)
Bring ‘em aboard.
(Shyster and Bonny enter stage left.)
CHARLES SHYSTER III
Mr. Otis, so good to see you. I’ve got some paperwork here, but it won’t take long to get you two in ‘business’.
(He hands Mad Otis some parchments.)
(To the Captain.)
Captain, I’m Charles Shyster III, of Shyster and Shyster. This is Bonnie Bonnie, from the Shyster Agency.
BONNIE BONNY
(Approaches Bloody Bill and gushes. Don’t worry about getting in anyone’s way. She’s inappropriately enthusiastic and oblivious to her own behavior.)
Captain B, it is such an honor to meet you! It won’t take long at all to make you the most feared and famous pyrate in the six seas!
BLOODY BILL
(Gets dreamy for a moment, then annoyed at her.)
Seven. There’s seven seas, lassie.
BONNIE BONNY
(The correction goes right over her head. Still over enthusiastic.)
So, about your name–– bloodybill was already taken, so we thought we’d go with @billbloodybill for your online persona. Social media, that’s the best way to get ransom demands out these days.
(She looks at Bloody Bill for a moment, then shakes her head. She turns to Shyster.)
We’ll have to work on his ‘look’, though.
CHARLES SHYSTER III
(Jumping in, to silence her.)
Turns out that a number of cargo ships can’t afford to hire an escort, and they’ll be leaving Nassau in a few days. Any of them will fetch a fine amount of gold.
BLOODY BILL
(Thinking about it in spite of himself.)
What about the Spaniards?
CHARLES SHYSTER III
The firm still doing a strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats analysis for you. Should be done by the time we drop anchor.
(Approaches Bill, claps him on the back.)
Captain, have you considered investing in a distillery?
BONNIE BONNY
(As though the idea was her own.)
You’d make a FABULOUS spokesmodel, Captain B!
(At this point, she pulls out a QR code and sticks it on Bloody Bill. Then she snaps a photo of him with her phone. Bloody Bill in nonplussed.)
I know you’re going to need some help, so I’ve written your first couple of hundred tweets.
CHARLES SHYSTER III
Seriously. Just two ransoms paid out and your marketability goes through the roof.
BONNIE BONNY
(Interrupting, and awestruck at her awesome creativity.)
You will have your Own. Line. Of. Clothing. A FRAGRANCE!!!
(Squeaks with joy.)
BLOODY BILL
Fragrance? No, that’s Nassau ye smell. On the wind. We’re tackin’.

MAD OTIS
Shyster here is takin’ us to the Governor’s House for supper! And there’ll be a feast at the finest inn on the bay for the crewe as well!
(Mad Otis offers Bloody Bill a parchment. Bloody Bill pulls away.)
BLOODY BILL
Well, it’s not as though I weren’t a–goin’ ashore. I could do with some terra firma beneath me if I’m to be readin’ contracts.
CHARLES SHYSTER III
(Tries on a Pyrate accent. Now we know he’s a ‘wanna be’.)
New pyrates for a new century, Arr, Captain Bill?
BLOODY BILL
Well, I ain’t exactly said ‘no’…
BONNIE BONNY
Two words: Reality. T. V.!!! Okay three words.
BLOODY BILL
TV’s not a word!
BONNIE BONNY
(Walking, gazing off into the distance.)
SAIL MEN! I’ve got to register that as soon as we’re back in range.
BLOODY BILL
No, we’re sailors, lassie. Just sailors.
BONNIE BONNY
(Exasperated.)
Oh, that’s just so–– seventeenth century, you Land Liner, you!!
BLOODY BILL
(He’s pretty well had it now.)
It’s–– It’s Landlubber, ye barmy wench!
(All players bow and exit.)

Y’ve done it again! Y’ bum! If this gets me funny looks in the queue at the Co-Op, when I start chuckling to myself, I’ll fill this thread with rude posts!!
Another good ‘n’, mate. :wink:
Vic

Thanks, man. At least I’ve been able to do a bit of writing of late.