Oh, cool. The No Shame Eugene folks have our entire May show up on YouTube already.
Mine is at youtube.com/watch?v=JuSLb7bnY1o
I’m playing Rob, by the way.
FNG
(By Kevin L. Corridon)
The lowest level of the facility. Rob is off to stage left, mopping. On stage right is a person sitting on a high chair, unmoving, unresponsive. Larry enters from rear, with FNG following.
Larry: Over here, new guy.
FNG: You know, I thought this was a cleaning job.
Larry: It is.
FNG: But this place is full of toxic waste!
arry: Nah, it’s green, but it’s not glowing. You don’t have to worry unless it’s glowing. Besides, you’ve got the suit.
FNG: I still don’t think this is custodial work.
Larry: Hey, Rob!
Rob: Kreas. Suchay fizora.
FNG: What did he say?
Larry: Hi, howya doin’? Rob’s been here twenty-five years. You’ll get used to him.
(FNG picks up some equipment and moves near person on chair and begins cleaning.)
FNG: Hey, there’s some glowing stuff over here, but it’s not really green.
Larry: So what color is it?
FNG: It’s blue.
Larry: Oh, yeah. That’s from the alien technology.
FNG: WHAT?!
Larry: You got a job at Area 51. What’s the big deal?
FNG: ALIENS?!
Larry: How did you make it through training without catching on?
FNG: I had a guy that knew a guy…
Larry: On the hookup? Well, you got any kids?
FNG: No…
Larry: You might want to keep it that way. Anyway, just… just PRETEND you’re cleaning a restroom somewhere.
(FNG notices the person in the chair for the first time.)
FNG: What’s that?!
Larry: That’s one of the frozen guys. Alien. They can put themselves into hibernation. You don’t see them doing much around here, but they damnsure get paid more than us.
(Larry moves over towards Rob.) Fucking new guy, where do they get them? C’mon.
Rob: Ranita ka selay.
Larry: Unable to comply, my ass! It IS your turn.
(Rob and Larry exit rear of stage.)
(FNG begins cleaning around the high chair.)
FNG: All this glowing stuff leads back to the frozen guy. Is this part of his life support system?
(The alien unfreezes himself.)
Alien: Hey man, got a smoke?
FNG: We can’t smoke here!
Alien: Maybe you can’t. I got the clearance.
FNG: You speak English? No Bath’Leth, PetaQ, Targ?
Alien: Klingon? (He shakes his head sadly.) Fucking new guy…
FNG: A real alien! How many more of you are there? You must know so much! Tell me something!
Alien: Well, there really is a Green Lantern Corps, but since you guys violated the copyright, you don’t get to have one.
FNG: Are we in danger?
Alien: When aren’t we?
FNG: Have you been to many other worlds?
Alien: I’ve seen worlds so beautiful that they make Pandora look like the baktag whorehouse that it is. Where the wind whispers in your ear like a lover, and the very scent of the air touches the depths of your soul…
FNG: Amazing! And you’re helping Earth take its’ place among the stars.
Alien: Its’ place? Earth’s ‘place’… Is Exit 51 on the Interstellar. It’s a truck stop with a shopping mall. Look, I’m just a subcontractor. It’s a living.
FNG: What do you do here?
Alien: Math, mostly. Our brains can do quantum computing.
FNG: That would give me a headache.
Alien: Only if you’re doing it right. I also do graphic design. Anyway, would you mind cleaning this place up? I’m done now.
FNG: What is this place?
Alien: Dude. It’s a bathroom.
FNG: So this weird shit is…?
Alien: That is what you earthers call it.
FNG: But you–
Alien: Well, we don’t have to go very often. It just takes weeks sometimes.
FNG: (Looking around in dismay.) But all of this weighs more than you do!
Alien: Hey, I didn’t say it was easy. Besides, it can’t hurt earthers very much.
FNG: VERY MUCH?!
Alien: You’ve got the suit, didn’t they give you the mask? But hey, nice meeting you, guy – I’m gonna grab a beer and a smoke topside before the ten o’clock wormhole. Got some vacation time.
FNG: You can leave Earth just like that?
Alien: Yeah.
FNG: Can I go too?
Alien: You wouldn’t like it where I’m going, trust me. See ya. (Alien exits rear of stage.)
FNG: (excited) I just met a real alien… AND HE SPEAKS KLINGON! (upset) And… I’m cleaning up… his shit… Oh, I can’t tell if this sucks or not!
BEST SCREENPLAY & BEST ACTOR, SUNDANCE FILM FERSTIVAL 
