I think one of the big mistakes young writers make is ignoring the logistics of a scene. One’s prose can be utterly beautiful, but if the reader is not grounded in the scene – if he doesn’t know where he is – what does a pretty line matter?
I think White’s admonition stems from his role as the cartoon editor for the New Yorker – imagine a cartoon with a very witty caption in which no character is drawn with mouth open. The act of sussing out who is supposed to be talking detracts from the impact of the line. If the reader pauses to think “Wait, did I miss something?” then all your hard work is for naught.
In africanstardust’s post, I didn’t get who was narrating the first few sentences. So it didn’t matter whether or not the writing was any good. I was lost, and I didn’t care. (africanstardust: no offense. Again, half as long).
Thank you for your comments…I take no offense, but am grateful for your advice, especially since it hit home. You know when you know something about yourself (or your writing) but keep on denying it inside your own head, and then someone else says it and you sort of feel like kicking yourself for putting off fixing it? Well…that’s what just happened. So thank you
I watched A River Runs Through It Once and cried enough for ten. Amazing, but never again. Same with Dances With Wolves.
Heinlein: Well, if you liked that opening line, you are going to love the way it opens in the “uncut” version of the book (40% longer, ouch!): “Once upon a time when the world was young there was a Martian named Smith. Valentine Michael Smith was as real as taxes but he was a race of one.” Honestly, those “old school” SF authors became giants not because they were great stylists. It surely had a lot to do with the fact that they got in on the ground floor, so to speak. And the developing SF genre was definitely not based on literary style.
Hemingway: The spareness of the opening is effective. Almost skeletal at the outset, but then simple observances begin to animate it – it is cold when you are down at the level of the water. And it is cunning in its simplicity: consider the repeated use of ‘the Indian’ and ‘the other Indian’ juxtaposed to ‘Dad’ and ‘Uncle George’; or Uncle George smoking and then handing out cigars; these are not innocent details. I thought the set-up for the story was woven into this early stage setting admirably. Our background info is pieced out from the opening until we get to the shanty, and all the while the mood is being set, we are being placed in the scene, certain dynamics are put into place. So, thumbs up on style, though I can’t say I really care for this particular story.
Chandler: If you read this stone cold (as though you did not know what or who you were reading), this starts in like it should have been titled “The Big Haberdasher” – until you hit “I was neat, clean, shaved and sober, and I didn’t care who knew it.” Which is hilarious, you have to admit. “I was calling on four million dollars.” Then you know where you are – and pretty well located even without help from the conceits of the genre.
Africanstardust: Such great input already, I couldn’t add anything useful. But here is a curious phenomenon: My brain so wanted to attach the ‘I’ to someone in the scene, it was prepared to grapple with what then appeared to be lurching changes in narrative point of view – in its desperate attempt to hang on to an assignment of the ‘I’ (to Shard, to Jack, to Morgala, to the ship’s parrot). There is some lesson about the primacy of the ‘I’ lurking here.
Or the primacy of the eye? Seriously, as Flannery O’Connor said, point of view can run you ragged. It’s really important to know, though, who is seeing the action at any given time.
Otherwise, I just wanted to say: Africanstardust, based on your other posts here, you write really well and clearly and have a mature attitude. I think you’ll be able to turn out an excellent novel. You’re way ahead of where I was when I was your age! But I do agree this needs some trimming. it’s also true that it can be hard to jump right into an excerpt when we have no idea who the characters are.
@gr Do you mean that the “I” is a good thing or a bad thing, or - like mary said - that it is simply unclear? Sorry, I’m afraid I’m a bit slow at times…
@mary Thank you Yes, perhaps I should have posted the first page instead of a chunk of the second chapter…Well, once I have it edited I might.
It seems as if everyone who has read Hemmingway either loves or hates his style. Personally, I feel so drawn into what he writes and can almost smell and see the picture he creates (consider Fiesta) that I love it.
