Oranges -- Natures Clint Eastwood

I know you will all tell me “refer to the character not the actor”. To you I say “go eat an orange”.

I’m eating an orange with my lunch. I do this everyday. Ham and swiss with oil dressing, salt and vinegar chips, 3 cookies (unless they are homemade, then I only get 1) and an orange. Everyday I eat the sandwich, drink 1/4 cup of my oolong, eat the chips, drink more oolong, then I peel the orange and pull it into segments. I place the orange segments on a napkin (tissue for you non-US english speakers) and set my cookies next to them. As I reach for an orange segment, Mr Eastwood invades my thoughts with “You feelin’ lucky, punk?”

At this point I begin to resemble Mr K. I reach for one orange piece, then uncertain of its quality, I have second thoughts. I begin to notice small imperfections in the skin or flesh that cause me to wonder “is this one the bitter piece?” I will go back and forth with each piece until I just close my eyes and eat one.

Then there are oranges like today. Mr Eastwood did his normal speech and is now mocking me. “44 magnum, most powerful hand gun in the word” to which my mind adds “yet less deadly than this f***ing orange!” I swear Sunkiss is trying to kill me. There is no way to tell the difference between a good orange and a bad orange until you are bent over the waste basket throwing away the lunch you just ate.

On the upside, still have the cookie.

Does anybody watch this performance? Cos if they do…don’t be surprised if the start avoiding you, especially the macho men types. jeeezzz!!! wot y’ like! :open_mouth:

I try to keep my performances to less public places than certain members of the crew.

which means “crisps”

Chips are actually made of potatoes, not cardboard :wink: (in England – if you go to the better places). And they are not considered to be in any way French :wink: :wink:

Young master Jaysen,
I think p’rhaps you may have mistaken the tenor of His Obtuseness’s earlier post.

He wasn’t referring to the inclination t’ward exhibitionism and self-promotion aboard Scrivener, by its crew members. Dear me no, Master J.

In fact, he was making the point that (after the necessary/usual censoring on my part, of the profusion of obscenities contained within his offline observations, apropos the ritual you describe above), students the world over, eat beer and marijuana. This basic diet is augmented by copious amounts of: pizzas; Marmite/cheese&onion flavoured crisps (chips, to you over in the colony), fish&chips (French fries to you in the colony); doner/shish kebabs; multiple flavours of curries, of varying degrees of heat&spiciness, and so on and so on.

In his opinion (again highly censored), if you perform the ritual you described above, in the company of other members of the student corpus, especially on a regular basis, it could be misconstrued as finicky and pernickity, and not part of the main, as it were. Amongst other things. :blush:

I, on the other hand, Master J, believe your diet to be a sensible one (for a human), no matter how over ritualised its consumption.
Bon appétit, Master J.
P.S.If your image has in fact sustained damage due to that discussed above, allow me to proffer unto you, a means by which you may well be able to redeem it.
Before leaving home, I suggest a judicious scrubbing of the orange’s surface area. At lunchtime, in full view of a goodly number of the campus jocks, throw the fruit in the air, then catch it during its downward trajectory, and with no more ado, bung it into your mouth and take a gianghumugus bite out of it, through the peel and pith, into the flesh. Watch out for the college football team’s cheerleader, Master J :wink:

Are you implying that we must abandon our beer and marijuana diets once school is over? Would you have us starving in the streets? :open_mouth:

Why bless your soul, and slap ma thighs!! Could I deny you anything…my little inbred buddy…within reason of course.

Step 1 - Soak oranges in moonshine for 24 - 48 hours (Everclear for those that are scratching their heads). This will sterilize the oranges and kill any nasties hidden inside. (They sterilize the needle, you can sterilize your orange)

Step 2 - Drain the liquid. This by product becomes “Tennessee Orange Juice”. Great for the little ones to have a little nip before nighty night so they sleep through the night. :imp:

Step 3 - If it is a Turkey sandwich with an orange, potato chips and a juice it might get taken away and you may be forced to eat Chicken McNuggets so be careful and eat fast … ina-school

Step 4 - Open a convenience store/Pizza Delivery right next to a college. Grow Dope on your neighbors farm and sell the dope with any pizza order that is the “works”.

Step 5 - If/when the cops come, act horrified and blame the young college student working the register.


Rinse and repeat

Or to simplify things you can just go for artificially flavored orange things


and forget all this healthy nonsense and just push maximum density. That way you can bleed gravy, create plenty of jobs in the medical field, and get those orange fingernails (cheeto fingers).