It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -
to loosen up, I guess. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and
soon I was more than just a social thinker.
Gradually, I began to think alone - “to relax,” I told myself - though deep
inside I knew it wasn’t true.
Thinking became more and more important to me. After a while, I was thinking
all the time. I began thinking at work too. I knew that thinking and
employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t help myself. I began to avoid friends
at lunchtime. I would sneak off and read Kafka and Thoreau. I would return
to the office noticeably confused and asking things like “what is it,
exactly, we are doing here??”
Things weren’t going so great at home either. One evening I turned off the
TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. Needless to say, she spent
that night at her mother’s.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me into
his office. “I like you,” he said “and it hurts me to say this, but your
thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job,
I’ll have to let you go.”
This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. “Honey,” I confessed
“I have been thinking.”
“I know you have been thinking,” she said “and I want a divorce!”
“But honey, surely it’s not that serious.”
“It is serious” she said, her low lip aquiver. “You think as much as a
college professor, and college professors don’t make any money! If you don’t
stop thinking we are sure to wind up in the poor-house!”
“That’s a faulty syllogism,” I said impatiently. She began to cry. I’d had
enough. “I’m going to the library!” I snarled as I stomped out of the house.
I headed straight for the library with my appetite whetted for some
Nietzsche. I almost hit a pedestrian as I franticly roared into the parking
lot. I ran up to the glass doors, but to my horror, they didn’t open. I sank
to the ground, cursing the uncaring glass entrance, and whimpering for
Zarathustra. Just then a poster caught my eye. It read: “Friend, is heavy
thinking ruining your life?”
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers
Which is why I am what I am today - a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA
meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was
a Vin Diesel film. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking
since the last meeting. I still have my job. And things are a lot better at
home. Life just seems easier, somehow, ever since I quit thinking.