Tron: Legacy - not so much a review as a rant

I watched Tron: Legacy on DVD tonight, and it answered a question that was raised for me two weeks ago and which I thought would take many years to answer, which is remarkable. That question was: How long will it take to find another film as bad and unengaging as Unstoppable?

I would have been better entertained had someone taken a wet fish and slapped me around the face with it for two-and-a-half hours. I like Jeff Bridges. I like Olivia Wilde. Daft Punk’s music was superb. Michael Sheen is always fun. So it really takes a special kind of effort to make something that should be brainless fun so tedious - it never occurred to me that they might take the premise of the 80s movie seriously. I was stupid enough to think it might be just a bit of entertainment with light cycles, good fodder for a Friday evening after champagne and Royal Wedding overload. Please God no one employ Garrett Hedlund in a lead role again; he makes Sam Worthington seem expressive. Cillian Murphy was in it for about two seconds and in that time oozed more charisma than Hedlund managed throughout the entire film. I was constantly worried that the protagonist was psychotic because he keeps making what are presumably intended to be amusing asides all the way through the film but TO HIMSELF. “I see how it is.” “I’m all over this.” WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO YOU SMUG G*T?

It’s my own fault for sticking with it past the first ten minutes, in which an “OS 12” (wonder which big software company they were naively trying to lampoon there, eh?), which is presumably gigabytes in size, is uploaded, dispersed all across the internet and the leak is reported on the news, all within TEN SECONDS. And then the CEO goes nuts because how could an OS which was supposed to be “the most secure OS ever” get leaked? Yeah, because, like, how can anyone steal a padlock? Oh God, someone stole my bike chain from the back of my car, how can they steal something that is supposed to secure something else? How can that be possible? (That didn’t actually happen, by the way, unlike the travesty of my evening’s viewing.) No, wait, don’t stop to think about it, because the “hero” is now standing atop a girder at the top of a skyscraper and the security guard who gets paid $5 an hour has followed him at risk to his own life to tell him that “stealing is wrong”, and the hero is now parachuting to safety. And don’t even ask me how the kid with curly brown hair grew up to have straight blond hair, maybe they just forgot to CGI that in properly later, because they were having too many problems with young Jeff Bridge’s mouth.

I really should have stopped watching when my forehead started bleeding, I should know better by now.

So yeah… I don’t know what I was expecting. Something that was a bit of fun, I suppose. Stay away. Danger, Will Robinson, danger…

But did you like it? :stuck_out_tongue:

Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000?


Just to add, we too watched T:L yesterday evening and couldn’t make head or tail of it, other than to assume it wasn’t intended to make sense in the way Alice in Wonderland wasn’t intended to make sense (not that I would compare the two in any other way).

We only stuck with it because we’d already discarded Tamara Drewe after fifteen minutes. Jokes so trite and characters so unattractive that even Gemma Arterton seemed to have no chance of rescuing it.

I know! Some good actors in that film, too. I watched it all the way through and wished I hadn’t - I have a bit of a thing for Gemma Arterton and her Honor Blackman-style huskiness, but that film almost put me off her entirely just because of the dreadful character she was given to play. She was reduced to sleeping with any man who wanted her without anything in the writing suggesting that in her character outside of the bedroom. A horrible film; at least T:L just leaves you feeling as though you’ve been repeatedly hit over the head with the stupid stick rather than feeling dirty and slightly nauseous. (Argh, and now Arterton seems to be missing from the cast of Wrath of the Titans, dammit, I’m not going to watch it for Worthington; I hope she gets another role like Alice Creed soon…)

All the best,

Augh! Damn you! I had completely banished that from memory.

You didn’t watch the movie correctly.

How to watch Tron: Legacy Properly

(1) Get really baked - to the point where either you are stumbling and slurring your words or you are having a two-way conversation with an open ceral box and a bag of Dorritos.[size=85] (they are talking back and discussing with you why 2% milk is much better for you than whole milk if you are trying to lose weight)[/size]

(2) Insert Movie (or purchase from PPV)

(3) Press Play.

(4) Turn sound off.

(5) Put on Pink Floyd - The Wall and set CD player to repeat. If you do not have The Wall choose another album that would be good “mellow mood” music.

(6) Turn off all the lights.

(7) Stare at the beauty of the Tron World and let your imagination run free.

*(8) Grab your Atari 2600 joystick and “immerse” yourself into this imaginative voyage. (*optional step)

(9) Drink plenty of water and take a few aspirin before falling asleep.