Alternative to P. Fender's collaborative novel

So nobody puts their money where their mouth is.


Plan B: Great Novels for Busy People, in 1 minute. My opening submission:


Then silence.

‘Thank God that’s over’ said Pierre."

War & Peace by N. Tolstoy.

“I hate Christmas,” grumbled Scrooge whilst counting his money.
“Are you sure? Most people think it’s pretty ok,” said three ghosts in quick succession.
“Well, I’m convinced!” laughed Scrooge. “Presents for everyone!”

A Christmas Carol
by C. Dickens

riverrun, the whorld sum thaughed yawnandstretch gout
—Smoke and coke choke! sagd heaved wefting stinks, a long the

Finnegans Wake, (Rev. 8,911), J. Joyce

Weather today? Damp, awfully damp.
Outlook? Summerson, eventually.

Bleak House, Dickens


It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must always be wanting his end away.
[size=85]Jane Austen: Pride & Prejudice, Chapter I of Volume I [/size]

What a lovely doctor! Epic romance must surely follow.
What a lovely cad! Epic romance must surely follow.
What a lovely student! Epic romance must surely follow.
Arse, I’ve maxed out hubby’s credit cards - I’m ruined.
Pass me the arsenic - a romantic death must surely follow.
Cue black bile.

Madame Bovary, Gustav Flaubert

And after a further pass:

Phwoar! Phwoar! Phwoar! Uh-oh. Yuk. Aaargh. [THUD]

Student: I’m feeling superior today. Bet I can get away with murder.
Detective: Nyet.
Crime and Punishment, Fyodor Dostoyevski

“C’'est formidable, n’est-ce pas?” said M. Rougon, sipping his champagne and bourgeoisly contemplating further ways to increase his fortune at the expense of the people. “Dieu merci pour mes genes.”
Les Rougon-Macquart, Books 2, 4, … 20, Emile Zola

“Pas down here with the proles, mon cousin,” said M. et Mme Macquart. “Passe-nous un autre absinthe, it’s dark down here in the mine.”
Les Rougon-Macquart, Books 1, 3, 5 … 19, Emile Zola

Staring at the sea
Staring at the sand
Killing an Arab
…Oh, wait, that one’s been done already…

Don’t eat any place where the menu is laminated or translated into two or more different languages. Try the pasta in tomato sauce.

“Italy for the Gourmet Traveller”
by Fred Plotkin

Bilbo: Oh look, a ring!
Gandalf: Magic rings are bad. Give it to your adopted nephew.
Frodo: Oh look, a ring!
Gandalf, Elrond, et al: Take it to Mt. Doom & throw it into the lava there.
Gollum: Oh look, my ring!
Frodo: Ow! you bit off my finger!
Gollum: I have the ring again! happy dance falls into lava with ring
Sauron: Oh no, my ring! Blinks. Single fiery tear

“The Hobbit + Lord of the Rings”
by J.R.R. Tolkien

Juno: Give the apple to another Goddess, would you? Take that you lousy Trojans!
Venus: Oi, Aeneas. Stop flirting with that tart Dido and get over to Italy.
Aeneas: But Mum - you were the one who set me up with her!
Venus: Never mind that, young hero-my-lad, you’ve got a city to found! Oh, and pop in and see your old dead dad while you’re on the way.

[Many books later]
Aeneas: Right, that’s them all killed. Should be a piece of piss to found Rome here now.
Vergil: But you’re still not as good as Augustus.

Vergil: The Aeneid.

Say! I like green eggs and ham! I do! I like them, Sam-I-am! And I would eat them in a boat. And I would eat them with a goat…and I will eat them in the rain. And in the dark. And on a train. And in a car. And in a tree. They are so good, so good, you see!
So I will eat them in a box. And I will eat them with a fox. And I will eat them in a house. And I will eat them with a mouse. And I will eat them here and there. Say! I will eat them ANYWHERE!
I do so like green eggs and ham! Thank you! Thank you, Sam-I-am!

Dr. Seuss, Green Eggs and Ham

Random British girl, WWII: Hey, Slothrop, you’re hot! Let’s do it!
Slothrop: Okay.
(Boff, boff, boff, boff)
Say, what’s that sound?
(A screaming comes across the sky.)

Gravity’s Rainbow
by Thomas Pynchon


“███████” by the Literature & Latte forum members (Written as a Novel In A Day)

The Manatee of Redaction.

What does one have to do to get a poke around here?

The Chronicles Of Bargepole by M. Bywater

Did I really say “poke”? It’s not that. It’s a line from Mart Crowley’s The Boys in the Band. Emory’s, I believe. “Who’d’ya haveta f*** to get a drink round here?” I thought I’d take it a step further. But “poke”? Gosh. I appall myself with my own cowardice.

Be us nerre thir yet?

–Geoffrey Chaucer, The Caunterbury Tales

It’s virtually impossible to take it all in…truly :frowning: