I am proud of this one. My latest, and most ridiculously complicated sketch so far. Seven weeks of revision and rehearsal, six hours’ work on the audio track and ten more hours on the props.
CHARACTERS
PROFESSOR Z World’s foremost kaiju reasercher. Having doubts about killing.
RESEARCH ASSISTANT RENATO Has worked with Professor Z for several years. Wants revenge on kaiju.
COLONEL K Overseer for Project & Professor. Raised by kaiju.
MERCENARY BORIS NYESKYPROMAYOVICH Turned kaiju hunter after family members killed in rampage. Trying to commit suicide by kaiju.
SETTING
A secret military base somewhere in the islands.
TIME
Late afternoon.
ACT I
Scene 1 Professor Z’s elevated laboratory at the edge of the kaiju enclosure. Now.
ACT [1]
SCENE [1]
(Colonel K is upper center stage. Assistant R and Professor Z are stage left. Mercenary B is lower stage right.)
NARRATOR
At a secret military base, the last of the kaiju, the giant monsters, will soon breach the wall that holds them in. The garrison has fled, trapping four people in Professor Z’s lab.
ASSISTANT R
Professor Z! We’ll have to use the Q-Ray to stop these beasts!
PROFESSOR Z
No, Renate–– it’s too powerful! We’ll destroy everything on this island, and make it unapproachable for months!
(Beat)
Sorry about this, you’re the best research assistant I’ve ever had.
MERCENARY B
Tell me more about this Q-Ray–– can I carry it?
COLONEL K
Don’t listen to him, he’s an enemy combatant.
ASSISTANT R
It’s your fault we’re here, Colonel K! How could you let your troops desert?
COLONEL K
The General ordered them to leave. I’m the deserter!
(To Professor Z.)
We can’t let the kaiju escape, Professor. You should be able to defeat them by now.
MERCENARY B
I came to fight them!
COLONEL K
You are a captured intruder.
MERCENARY B
And yet I swim ashore and dance naked beside a fire before you catch me! Then, your general lets me escape!
COLONEL K
(Annoyed, but a bit embarrassed as well.)
Eh, I’ve seen better.
MERCENARY B
Yes, break my heart, beautiful one. I fight better when I know I have nothing left to lose.
(Colonel K looks away.)
PROFESSOR Z
Who are you, anyway? What are you doing here?
MERCENARY B
Most knowledgeable person in world about kaiju Professor Z, I am Boris Nyeskypromayovich, Kaiju Slayer.
(Bows.)
So good to meet you at last.
PROFESSOR Z
Good?! You’re that bloodthirsty fiend?!
MERCENARY B
Your job is to find ways to destroy kaiju. We are comrades, no? I have come because I have to have your help.
(He has to clear his throat after that line.)
PROFESSOR Z
We don’t have to kill them! My telepathic control device is ready! I sure I can communicate with them!
ASSISTANT R
It’s a waste of time, Professor. All they understand is destruction!
COLONEL K
But I approved the program. Professor, we’re running out of time.
(Professor Z wraps a piece of aluminum foil around her head.)
MERCENARY B
What you need to do is make me bigger gun. And pay attention to symmetry, because I want to tape two together.
ASSISTANT R
Listen to him! They killed my family and left a hundred tons of radioactive excrement on the farm!
MERCENARY B
Only one family? On wedding day, they kill my bride, and both families! Twenty years it took, but I find him! I kill him!
(The Professor has activated the device. Somewhere nearby a kaiju cries out.)
ASSISTANT R
Professor! There’s no way that device can work as you’ve described it!
PROFESSOR Z
And how would you know?! You’re my assistant!
ASSISTANT R
Because I’ve had someone else look over your plans! Got a lot of money for them, too.
PROFESSOR Z
There’s only one person––
(Voice rising.)
How long have you known my ex–husband?!
COLONEL K
(Angry.)
You’ll shot as a spy!
MERCENARY B
(Sighs.)
So beautiful when you are angry. I shoot him for you, Lady Colonel K. Saves time.
(Readies his weapon.)
ASSISTANT R
(Terrified.)
Aaaahhhh!
PROFESSOR Z
(Seemingly oblivious of the others now.)
Strange… I hear… YES!
COLONEL K
Belay your damn brown eyes–– I mean–– hold your fire!
MERCENARY B
(Oh so very pleased with himself.)
Only because you wish it, gorgeous Lady Mistress Colonel K.
(A kaiju cries out again.)
PROFESSOR Z
(Staring off into space.)
No! Honey, it’s okay! I won’t let them hurt you!
ASSISTANT R
Honey? You mean–– Godzilla?!
MERCENARY B
You are a deceiver!
PROFESSOR Z
(Geeking out. Distracted, disoriented.)
No, it’s a receiver… Transmitter…
(Recovers herself.)
Yes! I lied! It’s worked for months and I love him!
COLONEL K
Professor, you’ve lost your mind!
PROFESSOR Z
You with your secrets, pretending to be so innocent!
MERCENARY B
Ah, a woman with mystery! You make me forget my cause, I, who kill Beboto, Ikas and Weborah!
COLONEL K
(Suddenly shocked, goes pale.)
No! Did you say–– Weborah?!
MERCENARY B
(Smoldering anger.)
The one that kill my bride.
COLONEL K
(On the verge of tears.)
You murderer! He was my father!
ASSISTANT R
What the––?
(Kaiju cries out.)
PROFESSOR Z
Sweetie, not now!
MERCENARY B
Raised by kaiju? Impossible!
COLONEL K
There’s more than one kind of family in this world!
MERCENARY B
Alas, I see now I have wronged the woman I thought I could love…
(Nods his head.)
I know what I must do to atone for this.
(Turns to Professor Z.)
Professor Z, how far out at sea is safe from Q–Ray?
P
ROFESSOR Z
(Confused.)
Not far, it’s tightly focused.
MERCENARY B
Lovely Lady Colonel K, swimming part was boast. My raft is one hundred meters south of where you found me.
(To Professor Z.)
Professor Z, tell your little boyfriend and his playmates they must go quickly. Hopefully Q–Ray will put the dogs off the scent. The three of you should disappear as well.
ROFESSOR Z
(Takes a half–step towards Mercenary B.)
But––
(Makes her decision, then points towards a console near the window.)
Press those four green buttons and that yellow one at the same time. And thank you.
(Professor Z and Assistant R exit stage right.)
COLONEL K
(Upset.)
Nyeskypromayovich–San! You don’t have to do this.
MERCENARY B
Goddess Colonel K, Ma’am, do you believe in past lives?
COLONEL K
I haven’t really thought about it…
MERCENARY B
I… have had to do this sort of thing now and again. Go, I beg you. One hour. No More.
(Colonel K exits state right.)
(Mercenary B turns toward the console. Lights out.)
Where’s it all gonna end!! 
