True, Floss, but she states specifically ones who sailed with the Great Admiral…would all of these generations have been with one Admiral?
Thank you, John Dodds and Floss for the comments and discussion. I changed the sentence under debate following the original posts. The book, Conquistadora, was published in July 2011 with a different chapter, different first sentence.
Where is your book published, Esmeralda?
In terms of first sentences, and so on, I guess everyone could argue the fine points of any first sentence in a book. Yours was certainly very intriguing, and I wish you great success with Conquistatora…
Hi John,
Conquistadora was published in the US by Knopf, simultaneously by Alfaguara in Spanish in US and Latin America. It’s been translated and published in Russian. It’s being translated into Portuguese,Finnish and Swedish.
Esmeralda
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“He would have known that she came from money even if her name had not been entered on his appointment calendar, her body tall and erect, her gate telegraphing a no-nonsense style, moving with the accuracy of a rifle shot from the office door to the chair placed across from his desk, looking neither left or right but with eyes locked on his from the moment she entered the office, and without any hint of the hesitancy, awkwardness, uncertainty, fear, anger, or disgrace with which so many had entered through the door of his office, which even now was simply and discreetly lettered: Personal Investigations.”
hi jack, welcome to the forum.
i like the content, but - wow - that,s quite a long sentence to get away with as an opener.
I would post something, maybe. I keep meaning to get stuck back into writing but life keeps on getting in the way. It’s the predatory fish that I am uncertain about as well. I don’t want to post up something I’ve been working on for years only to have it torn to pieces.
My writing style can be somewhat erratic and I think it’s one of my biggest hurdles (apart from a multi-year long stretch of apathy and writer’s block).
When I get some free time, I will post up the first chapter. I make no promises when that will be, though.
Unfortunately, this opening has been around for years beyond count. It was something I heard in secondary school…However, you could try to rework the idea in another form of words. Nothing essentially wrong with it, but too much to fast…some buildup first, I feel would be better.
i suspect that the two might be linked. writing in fits and starts instead of steadily is bound to exaggerate the evolution of your style into noticeable jumps and changes. to some extent that,s something you can smooth out in the second draft, but for your own sanity i,d say it,s worth coming up with a style up front and stick with it for the whole book as much as you can.
remember, an erratic writing style will be a turn off to readers. it,s not refreshing, quirky, or an exciting new voice. it,s just erratic.
please do. i don,t post myself - my writing being restricted to felix and whiskers fan fiction - but in my role as a professional editor i do like to think my comments are helpful even if they aren,t always what the author wishes to hear. feedback is how we grow.
now can we get back to talking about fishes?
Full of sex and violence…eh, cus? 
Fluff
and long sections where the protagonist finds a warm sunbeam and has a good lie down for a while.
I didn’t realise kitty fan-fic was so similar to dog-lit. Any chapters where the protagonist scares away hoards of invading school children, old trolley ladies or other dangerous threats to the back fence with some truly ferocious barking?
Haaagghhh!!!Haahhh!!
Canine cousin Scottie, give us a break! Y’ mean irritating yapping…don’t y’?
Cus Fluff
Oh, no, no, no - bless you you misguided kitty: you’re thinking of a Maltese, or maybe a Bichon Frise. You gotta love 'em, they try so hard, but they’re not Westies. No, they’re [size=50]very small dogs[/size] in a [size=85]small dog’s[/size] body. But Westies? We’re [size=150]big[/size] dogs in a little dog’s body. We’re known for our fierce barking that leaves one with the certain knowledge and cold appreciation of our lupine ancestry. My human, bless his soft heart, used to take me into the front yard to meet the children I’d terrified so they’d know that there wasn’t a wolf in the “corner house”. I was pleased to show them what a true Westie could do - to see their smiles at the “cute doggie” brought a wag to my tail. Then I’d fall asleep in the sun streaming through the front gate. 
Gate or gait? I’d break it up to make it easier to read and to add tension:
The final line adds to the tension as it puts the two protagonists in a small shared space.
Young Briar Kit,
Correct me if I’m wrong…no doubt you will, but, I was under the impression that an expression like, “… she came from money.” implies that the lady in question comes from a wealthy family background, as opposed to, say, an ex-lap dancer, married to a millionaire, higher echelon member of the UKIP Party.
Fluff
since this one has been brought back up, and i have a rare pocket with a little more time, i thought i,d expand on my earlier comment.
i really like the way you use the passage - which seems to be about the lady - to tell us things indirectly about the investigator - it,s his observations and ability to read her that speak to his experience and insight.
i do have a couple of notes you might find helpful.
a sentence like this demands a certain following structure. namely…
- why it,s obvious that she came from money, then
- her name and why that name screams money.
i,ll assume that the very next sentence after your passage says what her name is and the one after that explains why that name equals money, and focus here on the ,why it,s obvious, part that you,ve uploaded.
the ,which even now was simply and discreetly lettered: Personal Investigations., doesn,t quite work. firstly, it interupts the structure the first sentence demands. secondly, why ,even now,? thirdly, avoid using more than one adjective (simply and discreetly)
be careful with your description of the lady. anything you put here (before you get to her name) absolutely has to explain why it,s obvious - to an experienced private eye at least - that she has cash. unfortunately, that,s not always the case with what you,ve written. tall and erect? nope. moving with accuracy? goes to her focus and intent, but without some other explanation it doesn,t illustrate wealth. you need to either contextualise and contrast with how every other poor working stiff comes into the office, or explain something like she holds herself with the confidence that only comes from a long time spent in expensive schools. now i know you have put the contast in later, but given that that is 50 words after otherwise unconnected facts you,ve already got me disagreeing. given the hard-boiled style you,re going for that,s too long. consider switching it round to the contrast first and then why she differs.
also, the long list of qualities for the normal visitor doesn,t work for me. try painting the picture in a different way to make it sound less journalistic or technical. something like…
Think people can be described as coming from money: either old or new.
Maybe the lap dancer comes from old money and chooses to marry the UKIP millionaire.
Maybe the woman in the opening paragraph comes from new money.
I think “she came from money” is not a great expression. The word piano might come from Italian; stress might come from being out of control; Keith might come from Truro; or he might come from a family of philosophers; but no one really “comes from money” unless “money” is extrapolated out to mean something along the lines of “a wealthy family/background”. In which case, I’d suggest “She came from a wealthy family—old money.”
I mainly suggested a change in the first sentence (1) because it was so long, and (2) because simply having her name entered on a calendar doesn’t mean anything in terms of him knowing who she is or whether she is wealthy. It is whether he knows / recognises her name that is important.
“He would have known that she came from old money even if hadn’t already seen [recognised / read] her name on his calendar…”
cough Furball induced typo, Floss? Adverb…
i,d argue for an adjective here: despite the fact that the author has written the section using form that would suggest an adverb / verb relationship, the prose is intended to imply that it is the letters themselves that are simple and discrete, and not that the decorator snuck in at the dead of night to paint the letters while nobody was looking.
whatever side you fall on semantically, it,s a phrase that could do with some tighter construction.