Lesser Known Adventures of Sherlock Holmes

Lesser Known Adventures of Sherlock Holmes: The Elephant Polisher’s League.

youtube.com/watch?v=gt2TYZADemM

CHARACTERS
MR. SHERLOCK HOLMES A Consulting Detective of some renown.
DOCTOR WATSON An assistant, former roommate, and friend of Holmes.
MISS LEONTINE SMYTHE An Elephant Polisher.
SAUCY JACK/DOCTOR MORIARTY A hitherto–unknown member of Clan Moriarty.

SETTING

On the fringes of the traveling circus.

TIME

About Three in the morning.

ACT I
Scene 1 The Elephant’s compound. Now.
Scene 2 Somewhere else. Now.

ACT [1]
SCENE [1] - ELEPHANT’S COMPOUND
(Holmes is joined by Watson.)
WATSON
I came as soon as I could, Holmes, but–– a circus, at this hour?
HOLMES
Here Watson, is a situation holding enough intrigue to engage my interest once more.
WATSON
Indeed? I have long hoped that you would find reason to quit your study…
HOLMES
There is a new menace afoot. Someone has united a number of unsavory characters. Someone with intelligence and cunning near–equal to that of Moriarty himself.
WATSON
A lieutenant of that departed rogue, perhaps?
HOLMES
Some of his former minions have clearly been co–opted anew.
WATSON
Not surprising. So many criminals are no more than curs.
HOLMES
We are here to speak with a Miss Leontine Smythe, member of an order known to a select few as The Elephant Polisher’s League.
(Enter Smythe, furtively.)
Good morning, Mr. Smythe. You are certain beyond all doubt?

SMYTHE
I’m certain, alright. They had me fooled, and I’ll admit that, 'til they got Caesar and Cleopatra. Them’s like children to me. See, the newer boyos take care of the newer elephants. That one, that Saucy Jack…
(She sighs sadly.)
I didn’t understand ‘til it was too late. The League is broken now, and it’s him what’s done all o’ this. There were so few of us left who truly believed in properly polished elephants…
WATSON
How do you know they are no longer your elephants?
SMYTHE
Well, it’s the eyes, sir. It ain’t them, I mean, they do everything they should, but it ain’t them.
HOLMES
We must see these elephants, Miss Smythe.
SMYTHE
Well, that’s not all of it… there’s other elephants ‘round now, in the woods. Done five stands in ten days, and I’ve counted a score at each village.
(Regretful now.)
Spent too much time out lookin’. That’s how they got 'em.
WATSON
Hundreds of elephants roaming the English countryside? What poppycock! How can you believe this, Holmes?
HOLMES
There has been a sudden rise in thefts of hay. Farms have been stripped of other supplies. The thieves have a fondness for any sort of oil or grease. There has also been, on occasion, dung of a curious nature.
SMYTHE
Don’t get me started on that, guv. It’s like they had a go at the coal bin. Come along, let’s go take a look.
(Smythe leads them stage left, mimes pulling a tent flap aside. The three peer in for a moment.)
HOLMES
They are indeed very precise in their elephant–ness, are they not, Watson?
WATSON
Can’t for the life of me see what you mean, they’re elephants, man.
HOLMES
Watson, just as your medical training makes you more observant of symptoms of disease, Smythe’s life–long association with the pachyderms makes him so. What I see now is much as he said in his letter delivered by first post yesterday.
(Enter Saucy Jack from stage right.)
SAUCY JACK
Kindly step away from my elephants, Mr. Holmes. It’s too late for you to do anything about them, or me.
HOLMES
Saucy Jack, at last! A new moniker for you, is it not, Doctor Moriarty?
WATSON
(Stunned.)
But–– Professor Moriarty is dead!
HOLMES
This Moriarty is the uncle of our former nemesis. He has a PhD., therefore Doctor Moriarty.
WATSON
Madness! A Doctorate?
HOLMES
In English Literature. Thus, his life of crime. He taught the late Professor much, though this foul Doctor has long plied his trade in parts of the world for which respectable Englishmen do not care.

DOCTOR MORIARTY
(Crosses in front of others, moving stage left towards tent. The others shift stage right to accommodate.)
My army of steam–powered elephants is so vast that London will crumble under their marching feet! No cannon can breach their adamantine hulls!
(Gets a bit distracted.)
It’s really a loverly bit of work, that skin… It just needed another layer of fiber to become life–like.
(Moriarty remembers to be evil again.)
I will avenge my nephew, with all the heads I can take!
HOLMES
Doctor Moriarty, I thank you for the merry chase, but you may find that your elephants are somewhat less than useful to you now.
DOCTOR MORIARTY
What have you done?!
(He looks into the tent.)
It cannot be!
HOLMES
At my request, Miss Smythe placed a barrel of grease in the tent. Mixed into that grease was a large amount of metal shavings. When your cohorts attempted to lubricate their machines with those ingenious vacuum trunks, they sealed their own fate, and yours.
DOCTOR MORIARTY
NOOOO!!!
SMYTHE
Bring my elephants back!
HOLMES
And then do not return, Moriarty, until you are prepared to bring me a greater challenge!
WATSON
(Bemused.)
To think you’d considered retiring… Even I’ve missed this sort of excitement.
(All bow, then exit upper stage left.)

Great … but a further mystery … Smythe keeps changing sex, so is s/he perhaps really an undercover mechanical elephant polisher infiltrated into the league?
:laughing:
Mark

Master Mark, think yourself lucky, that is the only sex changing going on in this latest K L Corridon production. When Master Corridon get going, anything can happen. We could have been oscillating betwixt, Sherlock and Shirley Holmes. Lord knows what he’s capable of doing to poor old Doctor Watson. :open_mouth: :blush:
Fluff

Sorry about the oversight, the explanation is far more mundane.

I had to recast the part of Smythe a couple of times, as some people don’t show up at every workshop, or show.

Still, the bit went over so well at the show that my Holmes and Moriarty were asking me to write another one. It’s gratifying to know that the No Shame Eugene audience digs Sherlock Holmes. I’ve got a new script in development now.