Resistance is Not Futile

Literature & Writing Writer's Block
12

Vic: nice post. Resonated strongly with me as I had severe post-viral fatigue last year, and still have occasional episodes of “shutdown”. Your description was perfect. There’s a task. Simple. In front of you and ready to go. And yet the will, no not “will”, the ability to actually initiate seems beyond reach. Frustrating and exhausting in equal measure.

Sometimes it’s nice to know that others have similar experiences. Thanks.

I don’t think it’s the same as writer’s block, and definitely not procrastination, but shares features with both. Writer’s block I can overcome (put the pen to page and write), but zombie brain eats time and effort like it’s popcorn at the movies - doesn’t even notice they’re gone until the credits roll.

13

I have been writing at least 250 words a day since August 6, 2009. In the hopes that what I’m writing my indeed make into my story, that’s the goal at least.

I thought after doing it this long it would only get easier, but that’s just not happening. It only seems to get harder and harder. Then I hit a point where I need to write a certain point in my story, one that I know exactly how it goes, and I freeze. The more I know about what I’m going to write, the more I’m afraid to mess it up.

Now my 250 words a day; that’s a word count out of Scrivener, I put them in the research folder under name of the MONTH folder, DAY text file, I do not edit in anyway (I’m just doing my best to get it out), and when I’m finished I write in the synopsis something like “POV Character Name. Short description. Maybe what chapter or what scene its connected to.”

When I’m done I’ll copy and paste it in the correct folder in the draft then edit it sometime later (because I’m sure there are mistakes and it just awful, but I got something done).

That’s just the way I do it. It’s been working for me so far, but like I said, it’s getting harder and harder. If anyone has tried something similar, or thinks they have a better way, I would love to hear it.

Hope that helps.

14

Thank you, Vick for describing so vividly a familiar experience. In my case, I’ve had those shutdown moments since my stroke eighteen months ago. I lost the ability to read and write for nine months, although I could speak and comprehend the two languages I know. Reading and writing has been a laborious process. Through the last frustrating months, I’ve continued to research and write my novel. I’ll often shutdown. An example: I had a clear image of ‘gazebo’. I knew what it was, what it did, many different versions of what it looks like, how many syllables it contained, how I wanted to use it in a sentence. The word gazebo, however, was elusive. I just couldn’t find that word in my brain. This happens often. Because of these expeiences, I’ve resorted to a technique that is very helpful. I write xxx if the word has three syllables, xx if two, etc. I know I know the word, it’s just floating around somewhere in the damaged part of my brain. It would be too easy for me to spend the next three days it took me to find gazebo. Instead, I keep working until the word/s return. The words come back in unexpected times and places, so I have a notepad handy at all times. Like you, I feel the frustration but don’t give in to it. Have a cuppa, knowing that you know what you know, it’s just not immediately available. My pages were full of xx and xxx. Happily, I’ve submitted my draft to my editor, and hopefully, the book will be out next fall, in both English and Spanish editions. Not a xx or xxx or even xxxx in them.

Esmeralda

15

Vic, a fine piece of writing, which belies the fact that you’re blocked as a writer, and I believe one could take your 2,823 posts to this forum and concoct quite a few stories, if not novels.

But more to the point: you describe the task above as one of quotas, so many brackets and so many holes. It’s one thing to do that to pace yourself, and say now I’m a quarter done, now a half, and look forward to completion and a cold beer or hot cuppa, but what if finishing a task fills you with dread? Because the task is like every hour, day, and season we face; time that will pass, usefully or not, and then what did it matter? The freezing may be trying to make time stop, not to progress, not to tip you over the edge and into a blank abyss. What you describe is not just CFS but also PTSS, where a horror scene replays in an endless loop.

A neuropsychologist would want to know when it happens, what are the circumstances, are you alone, and it would also help to see a brain scan during these episodes? They may be minute strokes or seizures. My mother had a series of them, periods of time when she could hear but not see and time seemed to stop. In which case, don’t despair, medication will help. You could do yourself a lot of good by keeping a log of these experiences, to share with a physician.

My personal theory: a life-long diet of hot dog soup and baked bean pizza will seriously mess with your head, man. :stuck_out_tongue:

16

I sure did laugh when I read that line, Vic. Ah, the desire to gain some control over this illness – how many times and how many ways have I tried to “bend it to my will” and failed? For me, the simple act of writing one sentence is no longer simple. And if I try, if I push, my brain seizes, grinds to a halt and steam pours out of my ears.

I think the ME (aka CFS) is teaching me how to yield, let go, … perhaps the ME is teaching me how to bend. :wink:

Take care.
-karen

17

Dear Pete, nom, BT, Esmeralda, Droo,
Primarily, The motivational factors behind posting this response are: a) I feel an obligation to thank you all for your responses and kind words, because they deserve acknowledgement; b) not to do so, would be discourteous/ downright pig ignorant; c) I want to express my thanks, and respond to some of the points raised in your responses. But, however heartfelt the wanting, and the initial anticipation of pleasure in its execution, once something acquires an imperative like; Must be Done’; ‘Got to…’; No choice!’ etc. it assumes the mantle of a thankless or arduous task. Im talking post 99/ME. Im really struggling with this post. Ive been at it on and off since 8.40am this morning. Its like another version of shutdown ‘Shutdown v1.1
As the Red Lion`s poet in residence, Bill Shackspeer, might put it:

want, desire: ay, there’s the rub:
For with those heart needs; to desire; to want,
what machinator most foul,
doth the brain become.

When heart`s; wants; desires;
become playthings of the brain;
and the heart…left bereft;
only: duty!; got to!; obligation!; must do!, remain.

Affection, now an arduous task, forlorn and still,
doth cause us… pause.
Pause, so… dead…yet…so long of life.

I`ll post this now, or it may never see light of day.

Karen, hiya :smiley:
Just noticed your post. You, probably more than most, will know what Im talking about :wink: Dont struggle with replies, no rush, for, even though, ‘time waits for no man’, women can always make it wait for them. :laughing:
Vic

18

‘A gift much expected is paid, not given.’ ← something like that.

Relax, Vic. (I hope I can say that without hurting your feelings.) No pressure from this end.
I know what you mean, but I don’t see the forum that way.

My acknowledgement of your valuable, insightful, well-written previous post doesn’t oblige you to say nuffin’… let alone in iambic pentameter! (if that’s what it is. I dunno. Don’t hate me 'cos I’m ignorant.)

You’ve certainly touched a nerve, though, Vic, huh? Judging by the responses.

Karen: “And if I try, if I push, my brain seizes, grinds to a halt and steam pours out of my ears.”
My eyes misted at this. Crikey, that’s a bit tough. 'orrible.

Best wishes, P

19

Pete,
The point I was making in the previous post was, that once youre faced with, what in reality is ( or just in your own perception of things), a no choice; must do, situation, however pleasurable an endeavour, it becomes, a chore; a get it done and finished with, and out of the way chore! This is a symptom of ME. My ME addled brain responds to what it perceives as an imperative, in that way. :frowning: No!Way! Is it whats in my heart :smiley:

By the way! Dont think Im trying to turn this thread into a Me Support…what ever. Im trying to look for evidence that: BLOCK! is as much a symptom of brain malfunction as is ME. Or as Ive already said, ‘Has the same fountainhead’.

Doubts? Apprehension? Sense of inferiority/inadequacy? However tenuous it may be, the link to the noodle is there. SHIT!!! I feel an imperative coming on! I ve GOT to pour myself an obscenely overgenerous splash/glass of the Holy Distillation :cry: tch! its a dogs life! Thats me finished for the night
Good night
Vic

20

OK Vic. Thanks for elaborating.
I think I get it: (the thought of an ‘imperative’ and the response to it – to the thought).

As I said to Karen, ‘Crikey.’ – I appreciate you both (all?) … and the illumination.
I didn’t know about this. regards, - P

21

With Mr K you need to think person^(4+n) where n is a random number somewhere between 0 and 5. It really depends on the day of the week.

All kidding aside Mr K and fellow sufferers really downplay the significance of their suffering. I think the part that we, those who are unafflicted, simply can’t fathom is the compounded psychological pounding produced by the “what is wrong with me?” question. Imagine folks looking at you and thinking “just lazy” or “not trying” or even worse, asking “what is wrong with you? Just do it.”

My conversations with Mr K, carried out off the forums, has caused me to be much more thoughtful when approaching situations where folks are struggling to “get it done”.

22

Thanks J. Yes. Certainly makes me think (and breathe a sigh of relief). More to it than willpower, fer sure. Sorry if I’ve bruised anyone. Learning a bit. (As usual.) - P

23

Not from where Im sitting, yaven`t :wink: :smiley:

There`s a load of old twaddle at : True Horror Story From Beyond The Grave The purpose of which, was to enable me to actually, Put on the screen, the 150 words of a synopsis, that I could then copy and paste into an assignment on a writing course.

Every day for months prior to starting AHSFBTG, Id sit looking at the blank screen for hours! Waste of time,...ditto...ditto...feckin ditto! :smiley: But! Have a laugh and joke with other members of Scriveners crew!!!??? Tie me down t keep me out of mischief :smiling_imp: NO IMPERATIVE!! d y see :wink:

So just for a laugh, I tried an experiment, I started typing (for giggles) and carried on. I think its the beginning of chapter three where I actually put the words of the Synopsis on the screen , in less than a few minutes. But! It was weeks later before I was actually, physically able, to copyn`past the sodding thing into my assignment. I was back to the, ‘IMPERATIVE’, shite again…shut down/block.

Is this whats happening in your brain, to one degree or another, on those occasions, you just cant engage?

Gorra go get her up, anmake her breaky!Dobby the House Elf Rides Again` :frowning: .
Vic

24

Vic: no obligation, acknowledgement, courtesy, apology, explanation or follow-up needed. BUT, just so I don’t let the opportunity pass, you owe me an ale if I ever find my way into* the Red Lion. :smiley:

*Of course, finding my way out of the Red Lion is another matter (especially after good British ale), and may earn you an ale in return.

25

Not a problem, old matey…not a problem. I never have to, find, my way out, they do it for y 8) They throw yout!! :laughing: No prob, see. Its findin y friggin way home that`s problematic. :open_mouth:
Vic
PS: By the way,are you familiar (not in the biblical sense, obviously), with my mate Gaz? :smiley:
youtube.com/watch?v=t3ENUqV5-bw

26

I expect that finding my home from the Red Lion will be doubly difficult: a few little obstacles like mainland Europe, Africa and Indian Ocean to navigate. Then again, it didn’t stop me from having a go when I had the prairies of the American mid-west, the Rockies, and the Pacific Ocean to cross.
Umm, I’m not likely to have to snow-shoe across a frozen lake again am I? :confused:

I’ll keep an eye out for Gaz on Toad Poppers Run. Still trying to improve my aim… :smiling_imp:

27

Good lord, I’s in that topic, sounding like a right navvy.

28

s rong wi that? :confused:

29

Nought rong, quartermaster! Nought whatsoever!

30

`swot I forrt :confused:

31

I found out about Scrivener from the “Write a book with me” blog on Holly Lisle’s site. It’s all about doing at least 250 words a day every day. There’s something so solitary about writing. Alot of us on the blog comment frequently about how helpful it is. If you don’t feel in the mood to write, you can read what others have posted and it really inspires you to get your butt in the chair.

I have written alot more than I ever have before (staring 50K in the face) and I’m not sure I would have if I didn’t have that blog to encourage me.

It’s VERY laid back-- you set whatever goal you want and just post how you did each day.

If you’re interested the URL is: hollylisle.com/writingdiary2/