for vic-k the question may be moot.
Actually, the older she gets the more it inadvertently slips out, that shes coming around to my way of thinking. It wont make any difference though...the feckersll still keep coming 
Have you thought of daubing a red cross on your front door vic?
theyd only see that as indicating a place where they can get free medicines as well as long stay board and lodgings. We all have our crosses to bear. Cest la vie.
Off to bed with a heavy heart[size=50](run out of Jameson).[/size]
Somethings you can try to persuade your in-laws to either leave early or never visit.
(1) LEAKY GLASSES
Before they arrive go out and buy some cheap plastic drinking glasses. Take a drill and drill a really small hole in the center of the bottom. Cover the hole with Scotch Tape. Fill the glass with about 1/2 inch of water. Stick in freezer. Once the water is frozen remove the tape and leave the glasses in the freezer. When an in-law asks for something cold to drink fill one of these glasses up and give it to them. The cup will hold liquid just fine until the 1/2 inch of ice and the ice plug melts then the glass starts leaking (usually on the person drinking from it). Act annoyed when you discover the mess and make a comment somthing like they need to learn how to drink from a glass without spilling everything like a child. Ignore the hole in the glass or look at them suspiciously and then point out that when YOU poured the drink there was no hole in the glass and in the future if they wish to be welcome they need not damage your glasses and try to blame it on an “accident”.
(2) THE TOILET THAT FIGHTS BACK.
Go to your toilets and lift the lid on the back. ON many toilets there is a small rubber tube (about an 1/8 inch) running from the float stem (where the water comes in) and it runs to the center of the toilet tank and is usually clipped to a small plastic tube about an inch in diameter. Unclip the rubber tube from the plastic tube in the center of the toilet. Make sure it is still connected to the Float Stem. Now take the rubber tube and bend it towards the front of the toilet. Rest it on the edge of the lid pointing out towards the seat. Hold it there and gently put the tank lid back on. adjust the tube so it is not sticking out but is hidden by the shadow of the tank lid.
Now the toilet is prepped. All you have to do is wait. Instruct your wife on this joke so if either of you have to use the restroom you can put the small rubber tube back on the clip until you are finished then reprep the toilet.
What will happen is when the toilet is flushed water will spray out of the small rubber tube (usually soaking the front or face of the person flushing it) it will continue to spray water until the tank is full. When your in-laws are sprayed claim there are ghosts in the house and the toilets have a tendancy to fight back unless you leave a dollar on the tank lid.
(3) TIME WARP
Go throughout the house when they are visiting and start putting the clocks ahead by a little bit. Keep doing this the whole time they are visiting. This will screw them up and help increase any Jet Lag which will make them sleep more and talk less. If you are caught doing this with a serious face tell them you are fast forwarding through your life and skipping over the boring parts.
(4) EEWWWWW
Put a coating of vaseline on all the toilet lids, handles, and on all the door knobs throughout the house. Every so often refresh the coating so none is every completely gone.
(5) GIMP
Have your wife wear a Gag Ball around the house while they are visiting. Also have her look very scared and skittish. Clip a handcuff to one arm and always tsk tsk tsk your wife while in their presence for no reason. ALways speak in monotone and twitch your neck every so often.
Why do I get get the feeling that you`d be a bigger burden, than all my in laws lumped together? 
are you saying he is a fat pigeon?
If you have a dog, one way to get unwanted guests to leave is that after dinner put the plates on the floor and let the dog lick them clean… then stick them back in the cupboard without further cleaning. Works like a charm!
Oh I like this. 
Vic-k.
BIGGER BURDEN?
(Gasp)
I would coax you into full submission with some laced absinthe and a nice cuban cigar.
All three legged dogs like their liquor and illegal stogies.
Then I would roost and claim your kitchen as my Coop.
I haven`t got a dog, but I could soak them with my two week worn underpants in the same sink. Yeah!! I like the sound of that!!
Thanks for the inspiration Verm 
Vic
Or, if you don’t have a dog, you can let the cats lounge on the kitchen table.
Just don’t forget to take an anti-bacterial wipe to the table after they leave.
The cats or the in laws? 
vic
There’s a difference.
Does anyone else around here have an image of vic-k as the reporter/professor personality in the move The Saint (staring Val Kilmer)? Not sure why, but I cant get this association out of my head.
[size=150]?[/size]<----have you missed this off
I havent seen the movie, but its a foregone conclusion, that: if the character is suave; sophisticated; illegally good looking; erudite, but charmingly self-effacing, whilst oozing animal magnetism in criminal quantities, it bears no resemblance to Vic-k whatsoever!! As usual, your assumptions are bobbins tch!!
Do take care
Fluff
If this fits the bill.
No, it does not. This gentleman appears to be overly endowed with teeth. Most of vic-k`s are missing.
Do take care
Fluff
Both!
Why? Whats wrong with the cats, on the table? 
Their hair is a valuable source of protein.
If a guest hold up a soup spoon, with what looks suspiciously, like a long white cat hair, dangling from it, just tellem its leeks. Tellem,"Leeks go like that, when you finely chop them lengthways. The individual Leek fibres separate." Of course, that excuse wont be of any use to you, if its a spoonful of,‘Sticky Toffee Pudding’! 
vic
You’re obviously lucky enough not to have this problem with Fluff, but I have a cat that has a weird penchant for rolling in the litter box. Eeew! 
So, aside from the usual “we know where that cat’s tongue has been” gross-out, I have to be particularly vigilant about cleaning – and keeping the little felines off the tables & countertops.
This is the same cat, BTW, who tries to lick the adhesive from any tape available to him and the emulsion off any photographic print. One day, he found the remains of a white Russian mixed drink (vodka, coffee liqueur, half-&-half) that my husband had left on a side table. This cat stuck his little head down as far as he could into the glass, and polished off the drink! 
We nicknamed him the Plush Lush after that, because to this day, he’ll beg anyone with a white Russian drink.
Yes, I’ve consulted a veterinarian. No clue.
Having read
I`m convince more than ever, that cats are substance abusers.
We have a quarry tile floor over half of the kitchen (where food prepncooking takes place). To clean it, I squirt a line of bleach down the middle of the floor, then scrub it with a long handled, short bristled scrubbing brush dipped in boiling water. Then I mop the floor, again using boiling water. I have to close all doors to the kitchen. As soon as I start to scrub, within seconds the door to the hallway starts to rattle like hell! Fluff`s out there and she wants, IN. Eventually I have to open the doors to help the floor dry completely.
Fluff does her Exocet impersonation, past me, and launches herself at the damp floor, and starts rolling all over it. I shout, “Gerrroff!!”
She shouts, Meeaaahhh!!
“Gerrroff!!”
"Meeaaahhh!!
“Gerrroff!!”
"Meeaaahhh!!
“Gerrroff!!”
Shes a bleach junkie. If she smells it on my hands, she wraps her two front paws around my wrist, and bites like hell. Another addiction is: drinking water thats lying on any plastic surface. Rain on a plastic garden recliner, for example. Shell jump up on it, start licking the rainwater at one end, and wouldnt stop until reached the other end, if I didnt make her!! Its as though she can taste the chemicals, from the plastic.
We think the lovely Siren is a chronic substance abuser, but,Im telling y, Fluff`ll give her a run for her money!
vic