VM messages

[Wock]

In the old days it was “Funny Answering Machine Messages” but now its Voice Mail.

One of my all time favorites is this one.

Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press - no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother’s maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

What are some of your favorites hmm?

[vic-k]

Y’re a real sicko, pige!

[Hugh]

I was once the reluctant observer of a domestic dispute.

Domestic Disputer 1: “You are the only person I know who’ll apologise to a voice-mail message!”
DD2: “You’re the only person I know who’ll argue with one!”

H

[Fluff]

Vic-k once said, “Thank you”, to an ATM machine at his local Co-Op, as he removed his £20 note. His embarrassment exacerbated by the snorty-snigger of a yobbo stood behind him. The saddest part about this episode, was me not being there to witness it.

Fluff

[pigfender]

The lifts in my office say things like “Good morning” and “Sorry to keep you waiting” when you get in. I always make a point of replying with a simple “Good morning” or “No problem.”

It’s just good manners, and it’s nice to build up a bit of goodwill for when the machines take over.

[vic-k]

Sounds as though, for you…they already have